Over Here!

Hi, I finally turned this into my own personal Web site, geeksoapbox.com. Please head on over there and kindly update your RSS feed as well while you are at it!

All the best!
TSL

From the Vault: Ric Flair vs. Ricky Steamboat (1994)

In ranking the greatest pro wrestling matches of all time, it is entirely possible that five of the top ten would involve contests between legendary "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and his greatest nemesis, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat.

The two began their decades-long feud back in the 1970s, over the NWA Television Championship. From there, the stakes only increased, and twice the two squared off in lengthy programs for the NWA/WCW World Heavyweight Championship, in 1989 and 1994.

It's evident from any of these matches just why Flair and Steamboat are considered among the greats. Both not only display a vast array of offensive tactics -- from traditional mat grappling to more flashy power and aerial maneuvers -- but both could "sell" on defense like no others. When superplexed off of the top rope, as a viewer you can feel those Flair screams and easily envision the pain that would be coursing through his neck and back. It's that detail and intricacy in every detail that today's product sorely lacks. These matches were championship matches, the stakes were as high as they could be, and you lived and died with every moment.

This particular match is perhaps the swan song of the Flair/Steamboat battles, an encounter from 1994 on the television program WCW Saturday Night in Atlanta, GA. Previously, the two had battled to a virtual stalemate at the Spring Stampede supercard, and as a result the title was held up for the rematch. Until its rebirth on WWE 24/7, this match proved nearly impossible to find and was never aired again after it's broadcast.

What is particularly telling is that, at 40 minutes, it's not even among the best matches these two had by any means, but it's still light-years above anything anyone else was doing. The ending in particular was rather odd, a sort of surprise/miscue shot to the gut that eventually earns Flair his 12th title reign. Was it scripted? Planned? A botched spot? It's a head-scratcher of a resolution, but in some ways the unanticipated nature of how it comes about adds yet another dose of sports reality to a legendary performance.

Here's part one, of four, you can navigate to the rest from there.

A-Rod Enjoys a Night Out on the Town

The Mets may have had a fairly lousy and eventful offseason, but Alex Rodriguez has not exactly been the picture of quiet dignity these past few months, either.

First, A-Rod abandoned his wife Cynthia for a flaccid affair with his "soulmate" -- an aging, skeletal whore you may have heard of named Madonna. Then, his name was dropped in the federal investigation into steroid abuse in baseball and yeah, he officially came clean that his record will also be tainted with a big asterisk. Finally, ex-skipper Joe Torre penned a tell-all book on his Yankee years where Rodriguez was revealed to have the nickname "A-Fraud" among his teammates and had allegedly developed a "Single White Female" obsession with Derek Jeter.

Tough times, indeed. So it only makes sense that Rodriguez would take a little pre-Spring-Training trip down to the Bahamas for an escape and diversion. And fortunately for us, Radar Online was there to capture one of his evenings for all posterior, I mean posterity.

Let's relive those moments, shall we?


"I'm straight! Really, I am! Let me show you, baby! Wait, what do you mean by 'I doth protest too much?'"


"Ooh, that's a fine, muscular, almost-masculine ass."


"Dude, come sit a little closer! Let's get comfy together while we spoon...uh, I mean look at all the ladies."


"Yeah, LOL! That happened to me too! My ass was *this wide* after it was over! Wait...what?"


"*Sigh* Where are you Derek? Why won't you text me back?"

Thanks to Big Daddy Jeff for the link and request.

Mocking Douchebags in an Inalienable Right, the Constitution Says So!

Congrats to the owner and operator of the Web site Hot Chicks With Douchebags, who successfully had a defamation lawsuit filed again his book and site dismissed on the grounds that the uber-hott plaintiffs were suffering from an incurable case of douchescroatitis.

A New Jersey judge has dismissed a defamation lawsuit filed by three women whose photos appeared in the book "Hot Chicks with Douchebags." In an amusing February 6 opinion, Superior Court Judge Menelaos Toskos ruled that author Jay Louis's 2008 book was "replete with obvious attempts at satirical humor," and that the inclusion of the women's photographs were "used for humorous social commentary."

Toskos, who reported that he "carefully scrutinized" the Simon & Schuster title, pointed to several passages showing that the book was obviously satirical. "For example," Toskos wrote, "how can a person reasonably believe that in 1981 archaeologist Renee Emile Bellaqua uncovered in a cave in Gali Israel a highly controversial Third Century religious scroll suggesting that the "douchey/hotty" coupling was a troublesome facet in early social religious structures?" The 60-year-old jurist also questioned whether a reasonable person could "believe that Jean-Paul Sartre stated 'man is condemned to be douchey because once thrown into the world he is responsible for every douchey thing that he does.'"

Last October, Yvette Gorzelany, Joanna Obiedzinski, and Paulina Pakos sued over their appearance in the "Douchebags" book (the women had been photographed in mid-2007 while clubbing at Bliss Lounge in Clifton).

Thankfully, the world is once again safe to forever mock the orange-skinned ludicrousness of Joey Porsche and his retarded Jersey conquests.

Fitty Questionz

Here's another of those blog/Facebook memes making its way across the Internet like a wildfire.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My maternal grandfather was Mr. Theobald Seelinger.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I never cry

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It’s perfect

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Boar’s Head Boiled Ham

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Nope, but I’d be an awesome dad.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Hell yeah, I’m the best friend you’ll ever have.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Ya think?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yup, appendix too.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yeah, maybe.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Cheerios

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Never

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Edy’s Cookie Dough

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Height

15. RED OR PINK? Red

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Procrastination

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My aunt and uncle, who were like my grandparents in a way.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? Only if you want.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans and sneakers.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The “donk” noise Gmail Messenger makes when someone IM’s you.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Oceanic Pearl.

23. FAVORITE SMELL? Rain in a grassy knoll

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My mom.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? She’s OK ;-)

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Baseball

27. HAIR COLOR? Brown

28. EYE COLOR? Hazel

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Eyeglasses

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Ribeye Steak

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Why can’t it be both?

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? My Bloody Valentine

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Carvel ice cream cake with those little chocolate crunchies

37 MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Dunno

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Would have said RM but hell froze over and she did this first.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Twitter Means Business

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A Dell logo

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Burn Notice

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? The hum of my refrigerator, because it means I am home and at peace

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Stones

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? San Diego

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can, like, communicate very well and stuff.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Mt. Sinai Hospital, Manhattan, NYC

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Anyone who responds

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? She does not exist

49. IS THE CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? Half empty

50. IF YOU COULD SIT DOWN TO DINNER WITH FIVE PEOPLE WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE? The last five Playboy playmates of the month!

What an Offseason, Mets Fans!

It's been quite the interesting winter for the New York Metropolitan Baseball Club. It started rather promisingly, with the acquisitions of Francisco Rodriguez and JJ Putz to sure up a much-maligned bullpen. But since then, things have taken a turn for the...odd. Let's recap, shall we?

- Former relief pitcher Ambioiz Burgos -- already facing domestic abuse charges thanks to allegedly doing all sorts of horrible things to a former girlfriend -- went and one-upped himself with a double-murder hit-and-run incident in the Dominican Republic. If sent to jail, Burgos will be the most infamous Mets murderer this side of Julio Machado.

- Owners Fred and Jeff Wilpon were among the many multi-millionaires taken to the cleaners by soon-to-be-convicted ponzi-schemer Bernie Madoff. And you wonder why the team hasn't made any effort whatsoever to sign free agent Hall-of-Famer Manny Ramirez?

- With Shea Stadium now reduced to just one small structural wall, it's lauded replacement Citifield is under heat from Democrats in Congress -- including UFO enthusiast Dennis Kucinich -- for getting its naming rights thanks to a $400 million marketing deal with bailed-out bank Citi.

- Did I mention Darryl Strawberry's soon-to-be-released tome detailing every sordid detail of his 1980s lifestyle?

- Oh, and remember those rumors of a gay Met that forced Mike Piazza to hold a press conference confirming his hetersexuality? We have a new prime suspect in Robbie Alomar, who is apparently suffering purple-skin, weakness, and foaming at the mouth due to full-blown AIDS.

Wow.

That last one was quite a shock. But now it all makes sense...the rumors, the speculation that the reason he spat at umpire John Hirschbeck was due to a questioning of his manhood, the pronounced decrease in his physical abilities seemingly out of nowhere.

But still...yikes.

Cessna and the Politics of Perception

We all remember the story from a few months back where the head honchos from the three US automobile manufacturers went to Washington, DC to lobby for their own federal bailout...only they took private charter jets to get there from Detroit.

The tone-deafness of the story left such an indelible impression upon the public that the case even made it's way into two of my recent business classes: Organizational Behavior and Ethics and Business Policy. The repeated mantra was, of course, how could the executives be so foolish and oblivious?

Today, though, the Cessna corporation has seen fit to fire back with a new marketing campaign of it's own: It's OK to Have a Private Jet.

In a print-ad campaign begun today, Cessna challenges business leaders with this headline: "Timidity didn't get you this far. Why put it in your business plan now? In today's corporate world, pity the executive who blinks."

The ad in today's Wall Street Journal is themed "Rise" and says, "One thing is certain: True visionaries will continue to fly. Because in tempestuous times, leaders recognize it's not about ego. Or artifice. It's simply about availing yourself of the full range of tools to do your job."

"It's time for the other side of the story to be told," said Jack Pelton, chairman-CEO and president at Cessna. A spokesman said the ads were meant to be hard-hitting. "I would characterize it as a counterattack on the misinformation out there."

The "other side" of the story that Cessna wants to tell is that business aircraft are used by a wide variety of companies as "productivity tools." Robert Stangarone, VP-corporate communication, cited Walmart as a prime example, with its fleet of dozens of small aircraft used every day by middle managers traveling to stores, warehouses and facilities without easy access to major airports.

This is a really bad move and campaign by Cessna, but not for the reason you might think.

There is nothing wrong with owning and operating a private jet, even in these troubled economic times. After all, a company had to make that jet. It is likely owned by someone--or several someones--and employs a multitude of people in the plane-production process. Plus, even more individuals had to eventually sell, staff, and maintain the plane. Those people all deserve an income just as much as anyone working in the auto or financial sectors. In essence, buying a private corporate plane is your patriotic and civic duty!

Rather than stressing blah-blah productivity or antagonizing your constituent base, Cessna had a theme awash in red, white, and blue at its disposal and it looked the other way, and that is why the company will continue to have a tough time selling its wares and fighting the negative downsurge of the politics of perception.

Chris Jericho: Unhinged

Much like Scott Keith, my inclination is to call "kayfabe" on this alleged incident involving Chris Jericho in British Columbia. Of course, the lousy quality of the homemade video does nothing to confirm or disprove what happens, anyway.



In case you cannot tell -- really, who could from watching? -- the fans get a little too close to Jericho and his bodyguards after an event, and in the ensuing mess he appears to deck a female fan.

With ratings in the tank and interest at an all-time low, I would not put it past WWE to take a page out of the old Vince Russo Playbook and attempt some sort of "worked shoot."

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your President

So, as you likely know, our current president, Barack Hussein Obama, is the author of several best-selling, semi-autobiographical books. As part of the process that goes into the production of every book these days, Obama also narrated the entire text of both tomes for release as audiobooks and downloadable mp3 files.

The problem? Apparently, one of the president's high-school chums had a penchant for colorful language, and those quotes have now been converted to perfect spoken-word by our Commander in Chief.

HEAR Obama utter colorful phrases such as "Suuure, you can have my number bay-be!" or even "There are white folks, and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you."

And my personal favorite, "You ain't my bitch, nigga, buy yo' own damn fries."

No, seriously, I am not joking...these are all there for you to listen to and download. Go and look for yourself. I'll wait until you come back.

Back? Yeah. And the left complained when Dick Cheney told Senator Pat Leahy to "go fuck yourself."

At Least the King of the Cassel Wasn't Sitting on the Throne When It Went Down

This uncorroborated story came to me via an e-mail from a friend. I am pasting it below and make no judgments or conclusions as to its alleged chain of events.

Patriots' Cassel urinated on at Super Bowl

According to a gossip column in the NY Daily News, Matt Cassel was urinated on in the bathroom during the Super Bowl.

An intoxicated man allegedly tried to cut in front of Cassel at the Raymond James Stadium urinals. After Cassel told the drunk to wait his turn, the man "barged in and proceeded to purposefully pee directly" on Cassel's leg. Security tossed the liquored-up individual, but Cassel was forced to return to his seats with smelly wet pants. He'll surely be able to replace them with what's set up to be an exceptionally lucrative offseason. Feb. 2 - 2:53 pm et Source: New York Daily News

Heh, perhaps Matt was investigating the Moises Alou School of Skin Treatment and Preparation.

Somewhere, 5 Million New Yorkers Say In Unision, "Attaboy Chuck!"

While cable television stations repeatedly aired a certain comedy featuring Bill Murray and the rest of the United States marveled at the exploits of Punxsutawney Phil, New York turned its focus onto the other, lesser-known inhabitant of the underground frozen tundra, Staten Island Chuck.

Chuck, unlike his rodent brother, predicted a much-needed early end to the suffering of winter and the early glistening warmth of the spring.

Oh, he also took a little swipe at New York's Emperor for Life, Michael R. Bloomberg, perhaps believing that the Mayor's grubby fingers were instead a new form of sweet pink treat.

Or, maybe he was just really ticked off that Bloomberg wants to install nearly unlimited red-light cameras throughout the city to further inflate the City's flat-lining budget.


UPDATE: Ooh, no less than ten minutes later, I found this little gem of an article. Want to really boost those revenues? Trick the cameras into having a faster "yellow" stage to ensnare more unsuspecting drivers.

Not Because of Me, Thank You Very Much

It should come as little surprise that the Hummer H2/H3 are the most ticketed cars on the road today. The mentality that makes one want to drive a glorified converted tank on local roads probably contributes greatly to an "above the law" approach when behind the wheel.

However, close behind the Hummer is...the Toyota Camry Solara, at over three times the national average.

I guess now I know why my insurance premium went up this year. Of course, as noted in the last post below, I am not contributing to this menace in any way, shape, or form.



After 3+ years and less than 15,000 miles, my baby is still a work of art.

25 Things About ME!

This meme is spreading like wildfire across Facebook. So, I'm copying and posting it over here as well.

1. I am utterly devoid of creativity – even as a kid, my stuffed animals had names like Pandy, Monkey, and Baby Bear.

2. The first time I didn’t get a 100% grade on an exam I actually cried because I thought it meant I failed.

3. I am very verbose, particularly when writing, so you will note most of these little missives are quite wordy.

4. I swear like a sailor – in conversation, on the Internet, at work, wherever. I attribute this to my New York upbringing.

5. In high school I was such a troublemaker that I was actually “ranked” the #2 worst student in my class and considered a viable candidate for expulsion. Me!

6. I briefly went to a shrink in my 20’s, but I’m really the sort of person where dwelling on my quirks only wound up making me quirkier. Plus, the doctor was a total judgmental bitch.

7. I have overwhelming paranoia and OCD, which in turn lead to some fairly crippling bouts of anxiety and depression.

8. I “treat” the anxiety and depression rather than the paranoia and OCD, though, because the latter are what fuel my productivity.

9. I was a semi-finalist in the New York regional Nintendo World Championships in 1990. Channel 9 News even interviewed me at the event. Since then, though, my skillz have declined to the point that I might be the worst gamer in the world.

10. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 26. Since then, though, I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket or been in an accident.

11. Despite fleeting moments of romance, love, and companionship, I have never really, truly had someone to call my “girlfriend.”

12. The above kills me inside, because ironically having that girlfriend is the only thing I’ve ever wanted.

13. The furthest I’ve driven for sex is 470 miles. Well, there was more to it than just that.

14. Last one on this topic, I promise: I am one of the rare individuals who can say that I’ve had actual sexual contact with a member of the opposite gender as a direct result of the fact that I blog. Again, there was more to it than just that. That person is now one of my sweetest, “bestest” friends in the world.

15. I constantly toe the line between "Do I want people to read my stuff?" or "Would I secretly prefer to opine in a vacuum?" Unfortunately, there are no secrets on the Internet.

16. I am the exact same person at work that I am at home, and I take criticism of my work as a direct personal attack.

17. Eventually, though, I’ll realize you were right and I’ll take your criticism into account.

18. That also being said, know that I am NEVER wrong when it comes to work!

19. Politically, I’m so far to the right that I might be left. I call my unique brand of worldview “libertarian fascism.”

20. My mom has an account on Facebook, but at the moment I am not friends with her because that’s just…weird.

21. According to AT&T Wireless, I sent/received over 2,000 text messages in the past month (!). 98% of them were to/from one person (!!).'

22. I’ve seen every horrifying and disgusting shock site that exists on the Internet, from Tubgirl to Goatse to Meatspin to Two Girls, One Cup to One Guy, One Jar. If you have no idea what this means consider yourself fortunate. Those things change you and you can’t “unsee” them.

23. I love the font Cambria and despise all things Verdana.

24. I have no qualms with wishing gross disfigurement and even worse ill will upon people who irk me, because I know that my thoughts are not reality and do not affect the odds of such tragic events ever happening.

25. It took me getting tagged in this meme approximately 15 times before I finally got up the motivation to get it done.

Roger Clemens: Great Balls of Fire!

I have been remiss if I have not mentioned my deep and undying love for the tidbits emerging from The Yankee Years, Joe Torre's tell-all expose revealing the hated Bronx franchise for all of its sordid mess.

First came the revelation that his teammates referred to Alex Rodriguez as "A-Fraud." Now comes wind of Roger Clemens' rather unique pre-game ritual.

The story comes courtesy of Yankee trainer Steve Donahue who told Verducci about what Roger Clemens did as part of his usual routine to get ready for facing the Mets in Game 2 of the 2000 World Series. Donahue said Clemens’ usual pregame preparation included taking a whirlpool bath at the hottest temperature possible.

“He’d come out looking like a lobster,” Donahue said.

But here's the money quote: Then Donahue would rub the hottest possible liniment on his testicles.

“He’d start snorting like a bull,” the trainer said. “That’s when he was ready to pitch.”

It's amazing in and of itself that the trainer could even find Clemens' balls; after all, they must be practically "innies" by now given years of alleged steroid abuse.

Hippo Eats Dwarf!

The amazing thing about the Internet is...I believe it.



H/t to Street Carnage.

Blogging Rules of Engagement

Never one to miss an opportunity to analyze the potential outcome of any situation in the name of preparedness, the US Air Force has made public its actual, 100%-legitimate "Rules of Engagement for Blogging." And you know what? It positively reeks of awesomeness.



Amazing, and scary-accurate as a portrait of the overall blogosphere. Let it never be said that our boys in the military aren't ready for anything.

Pleased to Meet You, Here's My Card

Wouldn't you love to walk into a meeting with an unruly client or bloviating manager and just start handing these out instead of your standard business card?



Somewhere, Patrick Bateman weeps.

Because I Can

Time once again for the pic that keeps on giving.

Did You Know? - Aluminum Foil Edition

This came via an e-mail forward, but was so astonishing to me that I had to share. I have been frustrated for years by images of aluminum foil and plastic wrap falling out of the container and rolling along my floor, unraveling sheet by expensive sheet. Who knew?

--

I had to go into the kitchen and check this out for myself. Whoever looks at the end of your aluminum foil box? You know when you try to pull some foil out and the roll comes out of the box. Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over. The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.

Well, I would like to share this with you. Yesterday I went to throw out an empty Reynolds foil box and for some reason I turned it and looked at the end of the box. And written on the end it said, Press here to lock end. Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lock the roll in place. How long has this little locking tab been there? I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too. I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too! I can't count the number of times the Saran wrap roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up.

I'm sharing this with my friends. I hope I'm not the only person that didn't know about this.



--

I definitely didn't know, and I looked at the roll in my broom closet and hot damn if it wasn't true.

Now we know. And knowing is half the battle.

The Left's Impending Implosion

Despite having virtually unchallenged reigns to power in both the Executive and Legislature, I think it's going to be a real hoot to watch events unfold over the next few months to year. We are not even at Inauguration Day yet, and already the American Left looks to be in utter disarray and at its corrupt, back-stabbing, promise-breaking best.

First we had the talking heads this morning noting how important it was to President-Elect Barack Obama that we pass an economic stimulus package as quickly as possible into his administration. This includes, incredibly, keeping the Bush Tax Cuts in place -- you know, those evil breaks given to Big Businesses and responsible for the soul-crushing destruction of Main Street, USA. That is a "wow" moment to say the least, and a stunning turnaround of policy for a party that might be slowly realizing that armchair quarterbacking is a lot different from running the show.

Meanwhile, one of the most popular and influential blogs on the sinestrosphere -- the Huffington Post -- actually had the temerity to publish an article questioning Anthropogenic Global Warming and speculating on whether or not the modern-day Guru of Gaia, Albert Arnold Gore, might not be totally off his rocker. Granted, the resultant hysteria in the comments showed that AGW remains a vital and integral religion to the true believers, but perhaps this is a first indication of the greater intelligentsia's attempts to reshape the dialogue and turn down the rhetorical knob a tad.

Oh, and anyone that the Bearded Clam himself, Bill Richardson, had to quietly withdraw his nomination for Commerce Secretary today because of an impending pay-for-play scandal his New Mexico administration is about to become embroiled in?

The GOP remains a weak and in-flux party desperately trying to find its way in a changing world. That being said, a great lesson our new party leaders, whoever they may be, should learn is to begin by staying out of the way and letting the Democrats slowly cannibalize themselves while we rebuild and regain strength.

Keep Your Head in the Clouds

A lot of very technologically savvy individuals -- my boss immediately comes to mind -- like to talk/obfuscate the Big Picture with Utopian tales of "The Cloud" and how it will revolutionize business and infrastructure. If you are at all like me, your initial reaction to all of this talk may be to glaze over into catatonia.

However, thanks to this handy-dandy video (via Socialfishing), I now officially kind of "get it:"



This seems like a really elegant solution for many businesses -- maybe even non-profits -- but I remain skeptical of its long-term use across the world. I think there is something to be said about maintaining your own equipment and infrastructure in-house, provided that you can manipulate and maintain it successfully. Having complete control over platforms -- from office suites to e-mail to Web servers -- allows for a consistency and control that provides quick fixes for known issues and prevents non-standard usage. Besides, it's reassuring to at least physically know where everything integral to your company resides and how it all fits together. If my money is on the line, I'd rather be beholden to myself rather than anyone else, let alone some unknown entity operating out of Singapore or Indonesia.

That doesn't mean either way is better than the other. It's more a question of what you are capable of, and if you have the right plan to meet your needs. If I ran my own IT department, it would probably look a lot different than the one I deal with every day, and hopefully many of the problems we face as an organization (shoddy server uptime, outdated software) would be eliminated.

Without that coming to pass, though, maybe casting our fate into the windy, wispy clouds is the answer.

Got the Back to Work Blues?

No doubt most of us -- especially those off from work for 16 days and counting -- are lamenting and fearing the impending return to the office that January 5th marks. I know, personally, I managed to accomplish diddly squat of my goals for the time off, and am still as stressed and as frazzled as when I left.

Regardless, as indecisive and prone to bullshit each of our respective bosses might be, at least we don't have one of these jobs:

- Hotel clerk offers shelter to a woman who lost her wallet on Christmas Day, promptly gets canned. Talk about the holiday spirit being in full force. If it wasn't in the news I'd suspect this was a hoax "Grinch" story. Did a kindly innkeeper do no less 2,000 years ago by offering his stable to a poor, traveling couple with child?

- Don't like the fact that the pizza place you work at has no heat and regularly checks in at 20 degrees? Too bad. Here's the gem of an explanation left on the store's whiteboard:

“If you don’t want to work here quit, otherwise shut up and do your job. The next person I hear complaining is off for two weeks. We don’t have heat!! You guys screwed up, not us. You want to blame someone, look in the mirror.”

What a great boss. Has he/she also noticed, perhaps, a decrease in customers in the below-freezing establishment?

Change (In the House of Lords)

The strict constructionist/classical liberal libertarian in me has always been intrigued by the movement to repeal the 17th Amendment, the alteration to the United States Constitution that mandates popular election for each state representative to the Senate.

Previously, Senators were designated by the individual state governors -- providing a real contrast to the populist House of Representatives and making Congress more of a model of a traditional parliamentary system. The concept was simple and logical -- a Senator beholden to the governor would fight more fiercely for his/her state and not be as motivated by personal or special interests.

Now, though, I see the shenanigans ongoing in both Illinois and my own New York and think, my gosh, I wouldn't trust the judgment of these state leaders to pick a dog catcher, let alone the top federal advocate for each of the several states.

Over here, first came the rhetorically and experientially challenged Caroline Kennedy, whose greatest claim to fame aside from sitting under her father's desk as a small child was getting a decrepit bridge named after her uncle. Fortunately, after realizing what a lightweight Kennedy revealed herself to be -- even stating that she would never run for the seat and would only want to be appointed! -- Governor Paterson has hopefully moved on.

Unfortunately, "moving on" meant perhaps creating a "caretaker" position for the seat...a dignified elder statesman who will hold the seat in his trustworthy hands until such time as the seat naturally comes up for reelection. The choices there? Former Governor Mario Cuomo (!) or...former President Bill Clinton (!!).

I give up. The thought of the smug, disbarred, and impeached Slick Willie once again stalking the halls of government, eyeballing and sodomizing every intern to come within fifty feet of his office, makes me ill. Almost as ill as watching Bill and Hillary put on their worst, ugliest display of faux-love last evening for New Years Eve in Times Square.

17th Amendment For Life!

Reminiscences and Resolutions

Another year has come and gone, my friends. 2008 definitely ranks as one of the quirkiest and most-difficult-to-gauge in recent memory. It started with great promise and hope; work provided me with many unique opportunities for growth and development coupled with actual occasional personal satisfaction and gratitude. It ended, though, with utter chaos and uncertainty and has left me shaken to my very professional core, unsure of myself and my ability to contribute to not only one office but an entire career.

As with nearly all others in this troubled economy, money proved very tight as well. I'm sure you all feel the same there, wondering how those monthly bills are going to get paid and watching those annual percentage rates on the credit cards skyrocket.

But then again, I managed to have actual, real sexual contact with at least one live, honest-to-goodness female, so the year could not have been all bad... ;-)

So that brings us to 2009. A new year, a new president, and a shaky future. But I cannot control all of that stuff, I only have power over my own individual existence, and in that regard I am going to try something different this time out.

Rather than skimp on resolutions -- or offer only a few, feel-good platitudes -- I am going to list several very tough and impressive goals that would positively affect my life in various ways. Hopefully, by setting a lot of targets, it will obviate the fear and loathing that comes with failed accomplishments and will instead allow a moment of quiet satisfaction over the handful I do manage to keep.

1) 2009 will be gambling free. I know, sit down, that's a real whopper to start off with. And let's face it: over the course of 365 days it will be highly unlikely that I'll be able to fulfill it. Regardless, wouldn't this be a great boon for my personal finances and internal discipline if I could pull it off. My final trip of the year to the Water Club hit me with the worst losses of my gaming career -- right when I needed it the least -- so maybe that was the wakeup call I desperately needed.

2) No orders on Amazon.com. Tying into #1 above, ordering stupid and random crap on the world's largest online retailer -- books, movies, video games, whatever -- has done as much to kill my credit rating as any chips dropped onto a craps table. No more. If I want to see a movie or hear the latest CD by a favorite artist, I'll go buy it and only it at some local store. Handing out real legal tender is far more difficult than merely clicking and browsing millions of tantalizing recommendations. Or maybe I'll just download stuff off of Bit Torrent.

3) Lose 15-20 pounds. Really, that should be "75-90 pounds" but let's start slowly with a tangible, reachable milestone.

4) Finish all my schoolwork. There's a lot of writing that needs to be completed by May: a 100-page thesis, two last classes, and one incomplete course left over still from last summer. Tangible accomplishments will need to be documented on a daily basis to ensure I walk away with the Masters in Business Administration I've toiled for four years to acquire.

5) Keep a clean home. A clean, organized home will be a happier, more optimistic, and more healthy place.

6) Refind my faith. I haven't talked about it, but a lot of little things have left me at a point where my "faith" is probably at it's all-time nadir. Soul searching and intensive thought and meditation will be required to balance out the doubts and fears lurking within my heart.

7) Get the work situation settled. What do I want to do? Be a master of marketing? A Web guru? An independent consultant? All of the above? Figure it out, and hopefully the results will get me far away from individuals who resemble the unholy hybrid of George McFly and Garth Algar.

Anyway, all the best for the new year to my beloved friends and readers. As the great 21st Century philosopher Linus Caldwell proclaimed, "See you when I see you."

Yes, We Can

I'm an embarrassment to Barack!


I only scored 14 on the Obama Test